Note: I wrote this in 2015, in a very different frame of mind, reeling from a breakup that is still very traumatizing and upsetting for me to unravel. He and his friends might think that it’s in the past, long gone, but that’s the thing about trauma - it lingers like bloodstains. I’m getting married in two months, and I thought I’d throw this post up just to…well. I don’t know. Just read it.
I am the one thing in life I can control I am inimitable, I am an original I am not falling behind or running late I am not standing still, I am lying in wait Life doesn't discriminate between the sinners and the saints It takes and it takes and it takes and we keep living anyway We rise and we fall and we break and we make our mistakes And if there's a reason I'm still alive while so many have died I'm willing to wait for it. - Hamilton, "Wait For It"
I spent this summer feeling like garbage. Not in the sense that I was sick, or mentally disturbed (there were times where I did feel like that, of course). But I felt like literal, human garbage. Like I was someone you could tie up in a neat, fragrance-packed knot, and place on the road for the trucks to sweep up or the cats to find.
I don't say this for pity. I don't want your pity. It was what it was. It is what it is.
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